Just a quick note from a possibly terrible person.

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Hi,

So, I’ve been thinking about writing something on here for a long time, but then it just never happened. Before I knew it over a year had already gone by. Basically what’s happened since then is that I’m almost a year older, I graduated from high school and am attending university right now (but I hate it and I’m thinking of dropping out). However, don’t be alarmed! So far I’ve only taken this one single course, and it turned out to be entirely wrong for me. I’m hoping I get into the Journalism Program after summer though, I think that’s what I really want to study.

Should I be honest I don’t really want to study anything. I don’t want to go to university, and I don’t want to get a job. I spend most of my days being depressed and feeling sad for myself. The only reason that I study is because my mom wants me to. She’s always contradicting herself, one day she’s telling me to do what I want to do, and then the next she’s telling me I have to get a degree from university no matter what. Even I know that, that’s not what I have a problem with. I feel as if she’s simply trying to push her dreams and desires on me. When I told her I had applied for the  Journalism Program and was looking forward to it, all she said was that she felt it wasn’t right for me. I was seriously tempted to ask her what she thought was right for me. And then I almost wanted to tell her to simply plan what I should do with the rest of my life, and then I’d do it. Of course I didn’t say any of that, I’m too much of a coward.

I’ve always been bad with people and social situations. If I actually saw a psychologist I’d tell them I think I have social anxiety disorder. It’s gotten so much worse, you probably couldn’t even imagine. Some days I even have to take ten minutes before I dare leave my room, and it’s just my family at home. I have no ambition or strength whatsoever. There’s nothing I want to do in life. I just want to write, write, write, write, write, and write. On my books mostly, but even on meaningless, silly things. That’s what I really want to do. The only thing I want to do. I don’t want to study, not even journalism, and I don’t want to work. I just want to write.

Thing is I wake up every morning and I hate the idea of going outside, I’m scared of embarrassing myself in front of strangers, and there’s no one at university that I’ve befriended (there’s these three girls I eat lunch with and sit with during classes; we have absolutely nothing in common). I can’t bear the thought of going out and speak with people. I can’t bear the thought of getting out bed in the morning, unless it is to go sit in front of the computer, or to read a book. The only time I really enjoy going out is when I’m going to the cinema, because I know it won’t require much socializing (and the movie is usually also good). I hate the reality that my mom seems to have a totally different image of what I’m like compared to what I’m really like, but I guess I’m to blame for that because of all the lies and never showing her those parts of me. I hate the fact that my friends are expecting things of me, and that I’m always letting them down. What I hate most is that I’m excited when we make plans, but the more I think about it the more horrible I feel, and then I hate myself for feeling so relieved when I cancel those plans we’ve made. I want to tell them that it’s nothing personal, that I get exhausted spending time with anyone,it doesn’t have anything to do with them, but I don’t know if they’d understand. So in the end I’m left feeling like a terrible person, but I don’t know if that’s so bad, because I’m pretty sure I might actually be a terrible person.

I try to remember when this all started, but I can’t seem to recall any longer. And it’s only gotten worse over the years. It was good when I was in tenth and eleventh grade, but I think that because it got better, it got so much worse when it stopped being good. And here I am, worse than ever. Almost every morning I wish I didn’t have to wake up. I’ve felt depressed for a long time, not suicidal, but depressed. I’m sick of being tired all the time, and constantly being unhappy. But I also know it’s probably not going to change any time soon, and I’ve accepted that.

I didn’t mean to ramble on like this, I simply wanted you to know why I haven’t written anything recently. Mostly because it’s too depressing, and also because there’s not much that’s happening in my life. At the moment, or ever.

All of a sudden.

Instagram double fail whale.

Instagram double fail whale. (Photo credit: atomic playboy)

All of a sudden my life has gotten busy. Not only am I managing three blogs, I’m also tweeting, and writing all day long as well. And yesterday my friend introduced me to Instagram, and now I’m completely obsessed. I’m in love with it. I’ve been running around the house all day, taking pictures of all kinds of possible things. I even started taking photographs when I was outside today. Which was weird seeming how I almost never take pictures in public, and because I almost never willingly go outside. However, I live in what could be one of the most boring neighborhoods of all time. Everywhere I look they’re either reconstructing or building something. So not the best environment to be taking pretty pictures in. I did however manage to find a coll sign shaped like a hand. Which was in front of the park I’ve spent time in ever since I was about five, and I’ve never noticed this sign before. Either it’s new, or I’ve been my normal ignorant self, and not paid any attention whatsoever to what is going on around me.

Apart from strangely going out on a walk in the middle of the afternoon, in the rain, this has been a pretty dull day. And it’s also been rather depressing. Today is Sunday. Which is my least favorite day of all the weekdays. Mainly because that means that it’s Monday tomorrow, which also means that it’s time for another week in school. I hate it. I just want to stay home and sleep all day, and also not have to worry about anything else than my writing. I also have to get involved with people in school. I don’t like that. Because I don’t generally like the people at school, or people at all. They always seem to disappoint me in some way. But that is also because of my expectations.

Yeah, I’m strange, odd and weird. I already know that. Have a good day. Since it’s school tomorrow that means I have to go to bed now!

The art of writing.

The art of writing is the art of discovering what you believe.

~ Gustave Flaubert

My faith in nice people is almost restored.

Thor (film)

Thor (film) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hello, dearest reader!

Since the comments were automatically placed in the spam folder, I didn’t noticed that some of you that actually read what I’m writing here leave comments. And for that I apologize! However I have now read all of your comments, and replied to all of them. I actually find it funny how I was almost ridiculously happy with receiving comments. So if you feel up to it, please do keep leaving comments! I will try my hardest to keep replying to all of them as well. You can also comment if there’s something that you simply want to ask me. I’ll gladly reply no matter what it is!

I know that I’ve gotten kind of bad at updating. But that is just the way I am. When something bad happens or if I just feel depressed I don’t really feel up for writing anything at all. And then there’s also the thing about me going to bed later than I’m actually supposed to and thus making me walking around like some sort of zombie through the entire days. Which also makes me to tired to think, and in the end to tired to write a new post. However after now knowing that you leave comments, and that there actually are people who read what I write, then I almost feel like I should keep writing everyday just for your sakes. But, I don’t want to lie to you, and to say that would be a lie. And although I’m at the moment feeling extremely happy and ecstatic that people are actually commenting and reading this, I know a day will come when I’m feeling tired and down again. So I don’t want to lie to you, so I’m not going to promise you that I’m going to write something here every day. However I will promise you that I’ll try to write as often as I can, and I will always write when I feel up to it! Something I can tell you though (thanks to the nice comments you left), and as I told my friend, you almost have restored my faith in that there are nice people out there in the world.

Today I went with the family to the park, where my little sister played until she almost started crying. Anyway, there they had some sort of trampoline for the kids. Which really made me wish that we had a trampoline in our garden, here at home. Who knows? Maybe it’ll appear sometime during summer?

Yesterday I watched Thor, and after having seen it (it wasn’t the first time, I have seen it around 100 times before) again it really made me want to watch Iron Man (and I’m going to tonight!). But even more than that it made me want to see The Avengers. I know that I’m getting a little fixated on superheroes and Avengers right now, but that is because I have waited almost four years now for this time to come, and now it’s only one week left until I can finally see it. Yes, that’s right, on Friday the movie arrives at the cinema here. I can’t wait for it, and it’s almost killing me. However, knowing that it’s only a week left (even less than that, six days actually) I should be able to get through this week in school without problem. Or it could go the other way around, and this week will be unbearable because I have to suffer through an entire week of school before I can finally go see The Avengers.

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see how things turn out on Monday then. Have a great day!

Uncertain.

The Giant Wheel at St Giles Fair St Giles Fair...

The Giant Wheel at St Giles Fair St Giles Fair is held every year on the Monday and Tuesday after the first Sunday in September (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I know that I didn’t write anything on Monday or yesterday, but I really didn’t have anything to talk, or write, about then. And I really didn’t have the strength to do anything. Since I never went to bed on Sunday I was practically dead on Monday and the most effort I did t entire day was move from my bed to the couch. This Tuesday school started again. And no, I am not too happy about that. I would much, much, much rather just be home and write on books all day. Luckily I will graduate soon, so after that I might be able to do just that. Stay home all day and just write, write and then write some more.

As always my life is pretty much very uneventful, and thus I don’t have very much to talk about. I’ve bought new notebooks by now so I have started writing on the second part of the third book about Erin. I really have to find a better way to call those, it’s so long to say each time. But the actual books are not divided in parts, it is simply because I am currently writing them by hand because that is much more easier for my friends in school who are lovely enough to read what I write. However after we graduate I will probably have to send them the “chapters” via e-mail seeming how we won’t be able to see each other every day then. Which makes me rather sad now that I think about it.

I’ve always thought this, but today I really realized it. My voice is rather weak, and when others are around it kind of “drowns” out. Everyone just speaks so much…louder…than I do, and thus I find it difficult to talk. Especially when someone is talking at the same time as I do (which I find somewhat rude to do), because at those time I just grow uncertain and think that my voice can’t even be heard compared to the others and tend to just shut up and sit there and nod like some idiot.

Okay, I’m going to stop now before I get to negative. Today was a long day, and I’m strangely tired despite having gone to bed by nine yesterday. I’ve also only had noodle soup for dinner, but I like that so it’s fine. However I have stuff to do, and tasks to take care of. Which means I have to leave you now.

Have a great day, or here in Sweden it is actually already considered night I guess.

Part one of book three – done!

Pottermore

Pottermore (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Yesterday, or this morning actually, I finished the first part of book 3 about Erin. So far it’s only 192 pages or so. But more to come, since I haven’t even gotten to November yet. I am currently at October 29th. I was on a roll yesterday and the writing went excellent! Which led me to be up all night writing as well. That in itself might not have been the best idea, seeming how school will start again soon. However we have a day off tomorrow, so I won’t start until Tuesday. And since it’s right after the easter holiday now, I’ll be having a few easy weeks ahead of me.

Since I finished the first part yesterday I had to stop writing there, seeming how I didn’t have anymore notebooks to write in at the moment. I actually never thought that would ever happen to me. I’m always buying new notebooks, and people keep giving them to me, so I’ve never not had any before. But this was something new to me, but luckily I then had to go buy new ones today. Which got me strangely happy and pleased. Found two good ones.

Since I couldn’t continue writing on the third book for the moment there I started planning the fourth book instead. So far it’s going great, but I’ve only gotten three days done so far. We’ll see how it turns out later on. I haven’t written any of them yet, but the fourth and fifth are my favorites in the series about Erin. As well as the last and first always holds a special place in my heart. And will there forever remain.

Something fun that happened to me is that my account to Pottermore opened up today. Such a great idea and a truly awesome site! I was sorted into Hufflepuff, and before joining I didn’t know much about just Hufflepuff, but now that I know more about them (after having read the letter given after being sorted) I am rather pleased with having ended up there. I think it suits me just fine!

Get your own Pottermore account and discover the magic!

http://www.pottermore.com/

So that’s unfortunately all I had to say for the moment. Now I’m off to resume writing/planning!

Don’t cry when I die, when it’s my time I probably won’t die. I’ll just lie down and close my eyes and think about stuff.

You Can Finally Meet My Mom – Train

So much to worry about.

Logos for MCU films. From top to bottom: Iron ...

Logos for MCU films. From top to bottom: Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, Iron Man 2, Thor, Captain America: The First Avenger and The Avengers. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Since I live in the small country of Sweden, we’re always late with everything. It has never bothered me before, but now I have to wait until the end of the month until I can finally see The Avengers. I have waited for this movie ever since I first saw Iron Man. And because it’s getting so close now, I am tired of waiting. I just want to see it! Feels like I’m dying a little bit here. But to console myself I am currently obsessed with everything that has with The Avengers to do. So on Tumblr on of the newest things is to put pictures in categories and when you pull the pictures you get to see which character fits the category for you (sorry, I’m really bad at explaining things). And I found one of these featuring The Avengers. This is what I got:

  • Best friend: Tony Stark/Iron Man
  • Lover: Thor
  • First Kiss: Loki
  • Enemy: Bruce Banner/Hulk
  • Cockblocked By: Tony Stark/Iron Man
  • Killed By: Steve Rogers/Captain America

I was ridiculously pleased with getting Iron Man as my best friend, then I was also a little sad that Hulk is supposed to be my enemy.I don’t know about you guys, but I wouldn’t want Hulk as an enemy. The most surprising was probably Loki and the fact that Captain America is going to kill me. Wonder what the story behind that is. I’m sure it’s interesting.

If you want to see what you get, try it out (just click the link below):

http://stopexit.tumblr.com/post/21094709350

Today was spent worrying and thinking about my future. Because here in Sweden it is time to send in your university applications. The last day to apply is on Monday. Thing is that all the universities that I want to go to is across the country, or far enough away from home that I have to move there. I don’t know if I want to move away yet, and I like the big city. University is kind of ruining my life right now. I will decide what to do tomorrow. We’ll see what happens then. So many things to think about and consider right now.

I just want to run away into some small cottage in the woods and live there forever and just write all day and night long.

Best Thoughts.

Our best thoughts come from others.

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Sluggish.

Writing

Writing (Photo credit: jjpacres)

I usually love it when it rains (if I happen to be indoors at the moment) but today I just feel dull. The sky is dark gray and the rain is pouring down. It just feels as I, and the world, is sluggish today. This might have something to do with the fact that I never went to bed this night and instead stayed up until ten this morning, finishing the five hundred pages I had left of The Host. After that I went to sleep. So I’ve slept four hours at tops right now. Strangely enough I don’t feel that tired actually. Another weird thing about me, I guess. I actually feel more lively when I get less sleep, compared to when I get enough sleep, when I only wake up feeling even more tired than I did when I went to bed.

Yesterday was a bad day. I hardly got any writing done at all. Actually I didn’t get any writing done, except for that which I wrote here. However I did correct and alter somethings I had previously written on a book of mine. However I never wrote anything new. I was planning to do that today, however there hasn’t been any time so far. We cleaned the house today so I couldn’t write then, and in the afternoon I had to pick up my little sister from daycare. Seeming how neither my mom nor my step-dad were home at the moment I had to spend some time with her. So I didn’t get any writing done in the afternoon as well. I finally managed to convince her into watching a movie, and thus I was given some time alone on the computer. However, that time was spent writing this post and updating my Tumblr. So, no writing done yet today. But mom just got home, so now I can write (after I finish this post, and has written one for my Swedish blog).

I thought I’d give my review and thoughts on The Host now that I have finished it. But there will be spoilers, so if you don’t want to know simply don’t read any further. If you however do want to know what I thought about the book, simply keep on reading!

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Spoiler Alert!!

I actually thought The Host was a really good book! The story was interesting, and so different from what I originally thought it would be. It was also a rather odd love triangle/foursome they had going there. As I mentioned in a previous post the book is written beautifully and almost never has a dull moment (and this is 615 pages or so that we’re talking about!).

I would recommend it, probably to teens. But somehow this books feels more “grown-up” than Twilight does. I don’t know why exactly. Perhaps it’s the alien invasion thing, the brutality and harsh way of life in the book. It’s something that caught me.

Something that did ruin it however was the end. I think I would actually have preferred it if Wanda had died. When she wasn’t in Melanie’s body it just felt weird. And the thing about there being a miraculous way to save the “hosts”. It felt to ideal and idyllic. But it’s a book, and of course everyone has to be happy in the end. But seeming how Melanie was able to return, and now live happily ever after with Jared, I would have preferred it if Wanda had died at the end…